God Wants You to Buy Flowers?

Saturday Morning Conundrum:  I have 3 questions for Debbie Dills, the woman who aided police in finding The D-Bag-Rebel who tried (and failed) to restart the Civil War…First, let me say to her, thank you for doing your civic duty & going the extra mile (rim shot) in tailing him. That was a brave thing to do & you helped end a chapter to a tragic situation…However, after seeing you repeatedly on television, my George Carlin Bullshit meter (installed by the UN) began ringing and while I was up at 6:30am raking leaves & spraying for bugs (in a vain effort to escape today's hellish weather), I had a fascinating conversation with myself that left me with 3 questions…

1. You keep saying you are a vessel for the God, that God did this, & that God deserves all the glory, credit, etc… So am I to understand that God killed 9 people in his own house of worship, during a prayer meeting, so he could then, through you, catch the bad guy & get all the credit?  

2. If this was part of “Gods Plan” then where does Free Will fit in to all of this? If he plans & executes everything, then Free Will doesn’t exist, which is a major bone of contention among many Christians…

3. Conceding the point that it is “Gods Plan,” did he direct you to do interview after interview in front of the Floral shop, with the phone number in frame, or was that just a coincidence, sorry, I mean miracle?  

Do you see what I see? (A symbol of Hate)

I can’t stand anymore of this argument and I’m tired of the excuses and bullshit. Ask yourself this. Are the children of Nazis flying swastika flags on their version of Memorial Day? Do they have swastika license plate frames? Do they fly a swastika flag at German war memorials? Are the German people proud of their heritage from 70+ years ago? Do they name their children & grandchildren Adolf? I’m sure there are a few exceptions, but overwhelmingly, you can’t get a German to discuss that era, because they are ashamed of it…Now I’m not comparing the actions of the Nazis to those of the Confederates in a 1:1 example of evil, but if your IQ is over 75, you can see the theme developing here.

 I may have some relatives that fought for the South, I honestly can’t remember. I may have had both, but I’ll concede it’s a possibility, so all I can say is Fuck you, you treasonous pieces of shit. You damn near destroyed my way of life & our Country because of your ignorance and backwards logic. I don’t honor you, I’m ashamed of you. I don’t care that you believed it, because it was wrong. Time doesn’t excuse the behavior either, you quit our Country & killed Americans, including one of our greatest Presidents, not to mention the whole issue of slavery (which is another rant all together).

 Thankfully, post-Civil War, cooler heads prevailed & the South was allowed back in. The South accepted, and has drug its moronic feet ever since, & still does in some parts. It’s beyond time to get rid of that flag & all it stands for. There is nothing positive about it. When I see that moronic symbol, there are two things that come to mind. First is what an inbred-racist-piece of shit that is, who is out of touch with 2015 (which may be not true & unfair, but that’s the risk you take, kind of like if you wore a white bed sheet & hood to a club on Halloween, claiming you were a ghost). Second, the Dukes of Hazzard was a terrible television program & how dumb were we to be duped by stock footage of that car making the same jump every time (99% of the reason anybody watched was Catherine Bach)…

Now if you are offended by this, then good. Think of how a majority of one race feels or decedents of Union soldiers feel when they see that nut-incrusted-turd flapping in the wind or stuck to the back of a truck.  Its 2015, the world isn’t flat, the sun doesn’t revolve around the earth, & the South was wrong.

Three Holes, One Country.

 In case you were wondering what Sean Hannity, Kanye West, and a cartoon drawing of an asshole have in common, the answer is quite simple. They all spread shit and disease in one form or another around the world. They are a required part of a functioning civilization, but every now and then they open up too wide and that creates nothing but a mess. Now it would be too easy to attack Hannity and Kanye for their opinions and views as a whole, but what they are currently doing speaks to a larger issue that has been unfolding for a long time, has passed critical mass, and most of us live our lives without paying it any attention, which is to our own demise.

There was a time in this Country where families would gather around the television and watch the nightly news. It wasn't always lively, often quite boring, but it was there to inform the population of events from around the world to around the block. Newspapers played a prominent role too, and for better or for worse, the truth was at the heart of the information presented. Sure there were mistakes and being that we are human, there were misreportings, but on a whole, people felt like they could believe what they were reading and seeing when they came home from work. The news was often lagging behind the events as they unfolded, but I would argue that was a good thing, because it allowed for more vetting and as all too common today, cut through many of the mistakes of a 24/7 news cycle.

So where does Hannity fit into this? It’s his recent attack on Brian Williams, with the banner LIAR, covering the bottom right corner of his screen. Hannity seems to love the downfall of a Network Anchor. We are just days into the Brian Williams story, and it doesn't look good (I’ll admit), however, this shouldn't be celebrated or applauded by any person in journalism (or as a talk show host like Sean Hannity). The problem with Hannity, Maddow, and others is, they aren't news anchors presenting news, and they are entertainers, masquerading as news, while presenting information to their target audience. I have no problem with this. Where it becomes murky is the mass populous of people that watch these types of programs for their news.  Attacking Williams and celebrating another networks credibility issue hurts all parties involved. Recently Fox News had to issue multiple on air apologies and that benefited nobody as well.

Whether it’s Vietnam/Watergate/Iran Contra/Lewinsky/911/Iraq and countless other stories that have been misreported on, it drives the confidence of the viewer lower and lower, it weakens their belief in the system. It gives rise to conspiracy, creates radical groups that have only serve the purpose of spreading more fear and generating profits for themselves.  When there is a breakdown in honest journalism and our Government is allowed to go unchecked, liberty is lost, money is wasted, and people die. It’s really that simple. So instead of celebrating Brian Williams and lampooning NBC, other Networks, News Institutions, and Talk Shows should take this time to do a self-audit, make sure their house is in order, and under no circumstances should they be throwing stones, being that they live in a glass house as well.  

As to Mr. West and his recent outburst over Beyoncé not winning a Grammy, shut the fuck up.  Voting took place, and she didn't win. Not everybody wins (unless you are youth sports teams), and the Grammy’s has a history of being out of touch. Personally, I couldn't tell you one song off of Beck or Beyoncé’s album, but I didn't tune in for the awards...I like the awkward duets and the section where they list everyone who died the previous year. What Kanye doesn't understand is, it’s not up to him to determine the winners or the losers. How you lose says a lot more about you than how you win, and he clearly can’t handle losing. Plus, he’s married to a giant ass, so why does he have dog in this fight? If anyone should have complained, it would be Mr. Beyoncé.

This behavior by Kanye is seen daily in public schools and it’s a direct example of children not being taught manners, rules, respect, and life lessons that prepare them for adulthood. It is Mr. West’s opinion that Beyoncé should have won, but he is not the King and he alone does not decide the outcome. Instead of staying in his seat, clapping for Beck (or just remaining silent) he faked another stage rush, then went off in the media later. This speaks volumes to his character as a man, human being, and as an artist. This type of behavior should not be encouraged or supported. However, we all know that he will not only profit from this, but will continue to be invited to similar events, because it draws in ratings.

As to your actual asshole, wash it daily, and whatever you do with it beyond that is your own business. Just remember, we need daily, accurate news, because without it, we are lost as a people. We need the news so we can help a family whose house has burned down or donate items to victims of an earthquake/flood. The news can help us make informed decisions when it comes to vaccinations, political campaigns, or who won the game in your local town. It lets us know when loved ones have passed, when a road is going to be closed, or if we are in for a storm. The news is a vital part of our daily lives, whether we sit down around the TV or have it sent directly to our phones. Protecting the integrity of the News should be everyone’s number one goal and concern. When there is a breach in that information, it should be corrected quickly, so that the trust of the people is restored immediately. People that are trying to shape the news, influence it, corrupt it, or steer it in one direction should be watched closely and taken with a grain of salt. We should be aware of where we are getting our news from and if it is from a variety show, checking that against other points of view, so we can have a more informed public, one that knows right from wrong, and can accept the outcome. Otherwise we end up with Milli Vanilli, and I can’t imagine what Kanye’s reaction to that would have been.

F......-The Police (2014 Remix)

Michael Brown's body was still lying in the middle of the street in Ferguson, Missouri when it occurred to me that the issue at hand was never going to be about what truly happened between the Officer and Brown.  It was going to reach much deeper, into that area of America that few Americans like to go.  It's a painful area, with a long dark past rooted in suffering, misunderstanding, and a common belief that we as Americans still haven’t come to a conclusion on the issue that will satisfy all parties involved. Sadly, this issue seems to erupt on an annual basis, never actually black and white, always grey, and time and time again, there is no true resolution, just more pain and misunderstanding. Nothing seems to work and with each issue, advancement in technology, and abundance of cameras, the problem at hand ever so slowly comes in to focus, but never quickly enough. Much of what has happened in Ferguson, Missouri could have been prevented, but that is for another day.  I want to specifically target one piece of the puzzle and offer some an alternative to many of the negative images that that never should have occurred but that we did unfortunately see in Ferguson. I’m talking to you Officer, and all I have to say to you is F…-The Police! (More on that later).

 As a child growing up, the most common misconception I had of the police was that they were all fat and ate too many donuts. I rarely encountered the police and when I did, they were usually handing out candy, football cards, or talking to us with McGruff the Crime Dog. Depending on who I was riding with in the car, we either got a speeding ticket (Dad) or was let off with a warning (Mom) but I think that was due to the length of shorts worn in the 70’s. I watched police shows on television, but they were positive, and the cops were always out getting the bad guys. The only really negative images I had seen of the police were old time film from the civil rights era and that was always explained to me that real police don’t act that way, those cops were racist. Sounded good to me, until around 1988…

My first day at work at the local grocery store I was put in the bottle room with a guy named Mike. He had one of the biggest boom boxes I had ever seen & blaring out of it was “Fuck the Police” by NWA. I stood there for a minute, wondering who the hell was this guy? Was I in imminent danger, and why would anybody say anything like that about the police? We instantly bonded and the next day I bought Straight Outta Compton and listened to it night and day. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, the pain, the agony, the hate, and overall mistrust. Surely they were mistaken or maybe the racist cops from the South had all moved to Compton? I even played it for my dad, and he looked at me and said that is just bullshit, I hope you didn’t spend money on that!

Then over the next few years, events began unfolding on television, movies, and even more so in the form of Rap music (the 10 year fad my dad warned me about, but is still here today). For many Americans, the portion of the Rodney King beating they played over and over set in motion this visual distrust that began reaching in to middle America, confirming what few had heard, while lending voice to what many of the black community had lived & witnessed firsthand. However, America still refused to hold the conversation on race, equality, and the rise of the police force. Events continued to unfold and basically, as long as it wasn’t in your back yard, then fine. Meanwhile, with each injustice, perceived injustice, or even justified event occurring between the police & the citizenship they are here to protect and serve, the communication has never been clear, honest, dyadic, and resolute. Continuing to leave that “if” in the narrative, enhances the slow boil that looms underneath every street in America and seemingly on an annual basis explodes in a community, now dotting the map all over the United States.

What can be done? Our President lacks the leadership skills, political capital, and resources to address the issue head on. Congress is about as useful as dollar store toilet paper. All the legitimate civil rights leaders are either dead, making money off of the problem, or don’t exist. We the People, as a whole, don’t care, unless it’s in our backyard, then the consensus is to usually shoot everyone, so who does that leave to take this issue head on, begin the conversation, listen, and resolve this issue that continues to fester under our collective skin? The Police, that’s who.  They seem to be the common thread, both in the real world and the perceived one. So who better and here’s how:

First, STFU when it comes to your opinions about whether or not the St. Louis Rams players walked in with their hands up. The only thing you should have said when asked is, that’s their right, and we are here to protect that right. Complaining about it says that one, you don’t support the right to free speech, unless you agree with it. Second, it sounds/appears that you are somehow the victim in all this. America lost that day, not just you. Third, you just draw more attention to the fact that there is little to no communication between you and the citizens you represent. If you were to engage in communication, maybe people wouldn’t feel that way?

Second, enough with the posting on social media either directly or indirectly every time a black person has harmed a white person. This screams racism at the public. Saying things like where are the protests? Where are the rioters? Where’s Al Sharpton? really sends a negative message and makes you look really ignorant. First of all, there’s no score to keep, and if there was, I don’t think in the brief history of this Republic, the black man is even close to winning. I’ll spare you the history lesson (slavery, Jim Crow, civil rights, etc.), because white people will never truly know what any of this feels like, both physically, mentally, and generationally.  So again, I plead with you to STFU, for all of our sakes.

Third, cancel your subscription to the Small Penis Club of America. Return the tanks to the Army and all the other toys you inherited from Uncle Sam. It’s too clear by now that you don’t know how to use them, over use them, and look really douchey when you are using them. The consensus opinion of the Military leaders is that you don’t point a weapon at somebody unless you plan to shoot them. In the aftermath of Ferguson, you were pointing a lot, shooting very little. Remember, with over 300 million guns in this country, if the citizens of Ferguson wanted to engage in a gunfight, they could have, and you waving your guns around like penises in a male strip club put the entire country in the uncomfortable position of watching from afar, like your mom would be in said strip club.  

 Finally, be honest! From the start, be honest. Communicate clearly, honestly, and frequently with the public that not only pays your wages, but entrusts their safety and lives to you. 99% of the people love you, support you, weep for the fallen, and want to believe that you are here to serve and protect, not harass and kill.  But with each partial truth, miscommunication, or blatant lie, that trusts gets chipped away at, and for too many, that triggers painful/historical memories. The lying that occurred in the minutes after Michael Brown was shot spoke more volumes than the truth ever will. The lying that continued in the weeks that followed, the miscommunication, the “leaked” video, the blatant silence, all sent the wrong message and allowed for the “Professional Disruptors” (as Fox News calls them) to descend on Ferguson, Missouri to begin their night of rioting.

When an event occurs that even seems remotely out of touch with common police procedure, appoint a spokesman. Preferably one that can communicate with a calm manner that YOU are on top of the issue, and that as information comes in, the public will be updated daily at noon, even if it’s to say, we have no update today. Invite local advocates/leaders to be a part of the solution.  Don’t lean on them to react to the problem. Be as transparent as you can, and if it seems that the situation feels like it’s about to erupt, ask for help, immediately and if “they” won’t listen (being those above your pay grade), hold a press conference and tell the world, help will be on the way, directly. Follow through until the story concludes, explain the conclusion to the public in a communicative way, not like you are talking to a child or down at them. Take questions, and if there has been an error/mistake, own it, and take responsibility. At the end of the day you will know that you have done everything in your power to serve the public and with the passage of time and a pattern of handling events in a professional, honest manor, these problems (real & perceived) and civil unrest will become a thing of the past.

As to you Officer, when I say F-The Police, the F stands for FORGIVE and America loves to forgive, it’s one of our uniting strengths.  

 

The Force Awakens: Now re-awaken your inner child!

This morning if you thought the internet was running slow or if you were having trouble navigating the World Wide Web in search of flannel thongs with a holiday theme, it was probably due to the fact that Disney released the new movie Trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It didn’t take long for every website known to man to somehow link it to their content in a vein effort to draw in traffic. Within moments comments began springing up, analysis began, and before lunch, more was known about this 88 second teaser trailer than the JFK assassination…And therein lies the problem, Star Wars fans have grown up, become too cynical, and worst of all, turned into adults.

When the Episode IV came out, I was a wee lad, not even 5 years old. My father came home from a trip and said he was going to take me to see something that would forever change my life. It was one of the few times his words rang true and a love affair was born. I had never seen anything like it or heard anything like it, for that matter. The story was captivating, there were more questions than answers, and sadly, I learned what the word fag meant…What? Yep, while playing catch on my dead end street with two high school boys, I was asked if I liked C-3PO & R2-D2. I responded "Yes" and was immediately called a fag. I then had to learn what a fag was, but I could tell right away that it wasn’t a bundle of sticks. This should have been a sign of things to come, but thankfully that kind of cynicism didn’t show up again for another few decades.

Next came Episode V and before the term mind blown was used for every video on the internet, it actually meant something. My mind was blown. From the fact that my mother had to wait in line for hours to get us tickets, to seeing battles take place in the snow, and the revelation that rocked movie houses around the world....the true identity of Luke’s fathee.  Not to mention there was that little nugget of foreshadowing that somehow Leia knew where Luke was and to come back for him.  Again there was no web, barely cable, and as a child, my mind wasn’t yet operating on an adult level based in conspiracy, scientific fact, and hate (that my life hadn’t turned out as planned).

My childhood concluded with Return of the Jedi and this would be the last time I was going to be allowed to see the movies in a pure form....as a child. It was my final year of elementary school and I was soon going to be exposed to Jr. High, which seemed to highlight/reward kids that were assholes. The story concluded itself and I thought it was amazing. All was well with the universe and if anything, I was sad that it was all over. There would be no more. Sure, there were rumors of other stories but from what I knew, this was it. I was happy and there would never be anything that could remotely live up to these three movies.

With the passage of time, the radical advancement of computers, and the World Wide Web taking form, I was exposed to a move about dinosaurs. From the moment I saw them on screen, my first thought was, they could make more Star Wars movies. The technology displayed in Jurassic Park showed that anything was possible, and sadly that would be proven (Independence Day). All I needed to hear was that the Creator was onboard.  Soon after, word was out, there would be another…Star Wars Trilogy…And the speculation began in full force. Why? Because the kids that loved the originals were now adults.  They had years to dream up what could and should happen, and if their version didn’t play out verbatim, then F**k George & everyone else. I chose a different approach. My line was, it’s his world, if he wants to share it with us, fine.  I was willing to accept anything, and be thankful for it. I knew that this new trilogy wasn’t being made for my generation; it was being made for a new generation. I knew there would be some things I didn’t like, but it wasn’t my place to say and I wasn’t going to call any child a fag because he/she thought that Jar-Jar was funny….

So I endured, biting my lip, keeping to myself, and trying to avoid all arguments with my age group that had grown up to be such miserable assholes. Did I like every frame of it? No. Could I have done it better? NO. My only tweaking would have to do with time, cut 10-15 minutes out of Episode 1, 10 minutes out of Episode 2, and add those 20-30 minutes to Episode 3, so it wouldn’t feel so rushed. Other than that, I was just thankful to George for sharing his love, and by this time, something I could share with my daughter.

Now, all 3 of my kids have seen all 6 movies, we generally agree with the fact that Episode 5 is the best of the 6, but many of you veterans of the Original Trilogy would shit your pants to be told by a room full of 7 year olds that Episode 2 is the best. Refreshing it was to hear the children of today throw in our cynical faces why the NT was better than the old, and the fact that they think Jar-Jar is funny, and in kids speak, we were the fags for not liking him!

This brings us to today and the 88 seconds shown around the world. When it was announced that George wouldn’t make any more movies, many of you cheered (shame on you) and in the same breath booed when it was announced Disney would be taking over (shame on you again). Have you become so cynical to think that Disney would ruin this franchise? Think of their resources, the toy line potential, and most of all, the theme park….I’m sure when that was announced, the engineers just said here you go, now pick (because they have been working on rides for over 40 years in their free time).

This franchise is in solid hands and the writers involved know more about Star Wars than you could ever dream of. So to put it simply, STFU! I’ve read one article today about the new trailer, and it will probably be the last. I imagined some fat-balding asshole in a robe, down in his mother’s basement, writing this article and my first thought was, have you ever seen a naked women? His whole article was a criticism about how the new Lightsaber looked in the trailer and how it could be better engineered. Seriously? F**k Off! That’s what you took from the trailer? A teaser trailer at that? Some things in a teaser trailer never make it into the film, but you are going to latch on to this with all your hate? With all due respect sir, go outside, take a deep breath, then find the nearest bus & step in front of it, because you are clearly not going to be satisfied with the remainder of the film….So here’s some tips to consider, for you “adults” that plan on seeing The Force Awakens, otherwise, STAY AT HOME:

      ·         You are 100% certain the movie has to open with Boba Fett crawling out of the Great Pit of Carkoon or the movie is a failure.

·         You think this movie is made for you and not children.

·         You are still mad at Jar-Jar Binks & worry he’ll be in the movie.

·         Can’t comprehend that Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have aged.

·         Have created your own history of what happens after Return of The Jedi.

·         Expect it to be more violent than its predecessors.

·         Can’t turn your cell phone off during the movie.

·         Need to discuss it in the lobby before or after.

·         Comment that there is no sound in space.

·         Have never had sex with a woman (or man).

·         Camp outside the theater instead of working.

·         Dress up for the premiere in full costume & bring a Lightsaber to the theater.

·         Compare it to Star Trek

·         Know the technical readouts, weights, and figures of all the ships and their scale relation to other ships in the scene.

·         Most importantly, know so much about the film beforehand that you ruin it for everyone else, by being yourself.

And therein lies the problem, knowledge. We’ve become a culture obsessed with knowing everything about everyone, except for the things that really matter in the world. Too many of you can tell me who so-n-so is dating, but can’t explain why the climate is changing or how much money a trillion dollars is and how we spent it in Iraq. What made the Original Trilogy so special is we didn’t know. We had to wait, there was no web, there was no social media, and we hadn’t reached the age of perfection that we think we live in now. Those movies came out and for some of us represented hope, adventure, and the thought that we could do anything with our lives, just like Luke or Han. Now, we tear them apart before they hit the theater, and that’s not their problem, it’s ours.

So my advice would be that if you grew up loving Star Wars, incorporated it into your life in some way, and have enjoyed sharing it with your children, you stay innocent. Stay away from the websites, the bloggers, and all the leaks. Enjoy the trailers as they come out, but don’t put all your faith in them, and when December 18^th 2015 rolls around, ignore everyone and everything and take it in for what it is. You don’t have to like it, but make that decision after you see it, not before. Whether you like it or not, keep it to yourself, for at least the weekend and keep your comments to yourself. Don’t be that guy, the one who ruins it for everyone else. Don’t destroy the fantasy, the dreams, and the hopes of future fans and filmmakers because you didn’t get “this” in the first 10 minutes or that ship banked to steep & should have broken apart. Finally, for all that is holy & special about this community of films, don’t you dare ruin it for a child. Just because you are an unhappy, miserable, stuck up, half witted, scruffy looking nerf-herder, doesn’t mean you have the right to do that to a child…Because as you know, your fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering…and you don’t want that on your conscious do you?       

Have a Coke and a smile and Give Thanks...That you are Not Bill Cosby!

As summer gives way to fall there is one thing that is as consistent as gravity, (besides Wal-Mart beginning the start of Christmas season. Ignoring the fact that it may still be warm out, school has just begun, and we haven't even carved the pumpkins yet, but this is Wal-Mart's world and we are just living in it) It's the beginning of the silly season of Holidays that will take us into the following summer. As Americans we will celebrate almost anything, especially if alcohol is available and there is a reason to over eat. We'll put on costumes, sing songs, and even spend an unexplainable amount of time with people we really don't even like, all in the name of the holidays. Which brings us to the official kick off, this Thursday, known here in 'Merica as Thanksgiving. It's not just a day anymore, it begins on Wednesday with travel and concludes on Sunday with more travel. Sprinkled in are events such as shopping, eating, frying, drinking, sports viewing, fighting, f**king, more fighting, puking, leftovers, parades, local news stories of rednecks burning down their houses with a turkey fryer, and a vow to never repeat this horror again (a pre-New Year's resolution). So what are we thankful for? Sadly, a new tradition has emerged and this year, we are thankful that we are not Bill Cosby...

As this week, running up to the big day continues to unfold, 'Merica holds is collective breath as what seems to be a volcanic eruption of women, climbing over each other to appear on television, to claim that Bill Cosby raped them (A horrible crime that should be punished by instant castration, forced eating of the castrated part, then death). Media outlets, while having a collective media boner over the thought of years of programming, trials, speculation, and Lifetime movies, are also worried that an Icon may be heading down the road in which there is no recovery. As of now, there are NO charges filed, he is an innocent man, and if charges are filed, he will have his day in a court of law. However, that isn't important right now, because our unquenchable appetite for celebrity culture overrides logic, compassion, and most importantly the truth.

As 'Merica sends in more troops to Iraq, Obama deals with Immigration, Europeans land a probe on an asteroid, and the state of Missouri braces for a civil rights crisis unmatched in decades, what keeps dominating the news? Celebrity culture & sports. Whether it's bare asses or athletes acting like asses, this is what is fueling Americans on a daily basis. How many motorists were trapped on the highways in Buffalo NY as six feet of snow fell? I bet more than half of them had seen the giant ass of ___ _________, but hadn't bothered to check the weather or turn on the news/radio. By the way, you have more coming, snow that is, not ass....

My question when it comes to Bill Cosby or Tiger Woods (Former Thanksgiving Day Champion) is how many of you know him? Have met him? Spent time with him? I bet the number is very low. As with most public figures, you know of them, but don't know them. So what do you know? He played a character on TV, sold pudding, wore unforgivable sweaters, made some of the damndest faces you'll ever see, pitched Coke, and does clean-stand up comedy...But you don't know him, never have, and never will. Same with all the rest. You know what they let us know through a series of publicists, staged events, and tweets composed by a staff of writers. Rarely do we get to see what's really behind the curtain and we tend to ignore the positive, while we forward the drunken phone calls & nip slips to everyone we know.  Having been up close and personal with famous people, a few things always stand out to me. They are usually shorter in person, very shy, and speak very few words, and rarely look as good in person. They also take shits, eat food, put their own clothing on, and generally don't have a clue what it's like living in the real world, where you currently reside. I'd be willing to make a small wager that the truest celebrity out there is Louis CK, and he even wears make up when doing interviews...

So this Thursday when you undo the button on your adjustable waist khaki's your wife bought you with her Kohl's cash, sit down next to that fat ass racist uncle you secretly hate who smells like cigarettes and Alpo, bow your head while your geriatric deaf Mother-n-Law babbles on about days of yore in which they only had squirrel and turnips to eat, the love the Pilgrims had for the Washington Redskins, and how excited she is for Jesus' birthday in 28 days, as long as cousin Edna doesn't die of a botched bunion removal surgery, say unto thy self, at least I'm not Bill Cosby....Because Bill Cosby is the latest American (who happens to be famous) to be tried in the court of public opinion, without due process, of a charge that if found not guilty or is never charged with, bares a stain that no magic eraser can remove. He will forever be the butt of many jokes, looked upon like the greatest form of scum to walk the earth.  And, if innocent, any benefit that he has offered mankind will be forgotten or tainted. It's a living death sentence with no chance of pardon by the court of public opinion, a reverse Lance Armstrong, if you will. Why does that matter? Why should we care, he's rich anyways, because every day, American's that aren't famous, suffer this fate worse than death and in today's sue now, find the facts out later culture, it could easily be you. In this instant moment of time and history, I'm sure Bill would love to be sitting next to your fat assed racist uncle answering one of life's mysteries, who did put the pudding in the Jell-O pudding pop?  

Dear America, WTF? Seriously?

Since many of our founding fathers didn't believe in God, they aren't looking down on us shaking their heads while throwing their hands up in the air. Instead, they are dead in the ground, and lucky for them. As they rolled out the framework for this experiment in Democracy they had no idea of what was to lie ahead, both in the good (duct tape, rope light, air conditioning) and the bad (the snuggie, jazz music, and After M.A.S.H.). What they did was give us a frame work, safe guards, and guidance as to the future. Jefferson stressed that we should adapt the rules to each generation, and not rest upon the work that they had done alone. As a society, we were to evolve and the cream of the crop was supposed to rise to the top. What happened? We did.

One of the top news stories of the week has been Amanda Bynes sleeping at a shopping mall. Who gives a f**k and who is Amanda Bynes? Does she hold the keys to the launch codes? Is she a descendant of royalty? Is she the only living soul that has the cure to cancer, but has written it down somewhere and can't find it? Or, is she just one of a million people that our culture obsesses over that they don't know, will never know, and wouldn't know what to do if they met them? I can't click on a web page without seeing this nitwit and what she's up to and how her family is reacting. Is this the social issue/cause of the day? Aids is cured? Kids aren't fat anymore? The National Debt is gone?

Where's Ebola? I was promised 10's of thousands of deaths by now and I was counting on that because I figured if you were dumb enough to eat piss and shit off of the ground, then maybe we'd all benefit from your early departure. Instead, as of today, O.J. has a higher kill rate than Ebola. Thanks Media. If this was only the first time you have over sold a story, I'd be pissed, but I knew all along that you were just yanking my mental chain in to thinking that we were going to have a real population killer. Don't forget, we'll lose about 30k this year to the flu alone, but that doesn't have teeth.

Country music, chill-the-f**k-out! Taylor will eventually come back. She made a pop album, she didn't take a dump on the hood of the General Lee & marry a Toyota Truck owner. My god, if pop wants to do country, you guys love it, but if country goes pop, you circle the trailer park & batten down the hatches. This weeks CMA's looked like a desperate cry for attention, like a stripper taking a Masters Course in Physics. People dressed like the cast of Tron, duets with people who had no business being there, singing songs about giant asses instead of Ford Trucks or the fact that your dog just died, again. What happened to staying true to your roots, which were died platinum blond...I want to hear about you kissin your cousin, grandma's moonshine, and that time the squirrel got loose in the church. I don't want to bare witness to bad karaoke, horrible costumes, & awkward smiles.

Then there were the midterm Elections, where America showed how pissed off they were, but at whom? I know Barry took the brunt of it, well deserved, but you kept in Mitch, and he doesn't give a flying f**k about anyone, not even the people of Kentucky or his fellow Muppet's. Pot & Gay marriage are becoming more of the normal, but if you are a woman, let's roll back the clocks to the 50's (and while your at it, bring me a sandwich, honey).  Immigration reform is dead, tax reform is dead, education is dying, the planet is dying, but we've now put a slapdick (Jim Inhofe) in charge of that, who denies climate change exists...Funny, because according to our own military, the #1 threat to the planet is........Climate Change!!! The only solution to anything seems to be cut taxes, build fences, and spread as much fear & hate as possible, so that you can campaign on fear & hate in the next election. I can promise you this, not much is going to change over the next two years & if the R's in charge act like the D's in charge, this will flip again & Hillary will moonwalk into the White House in a navy blue pants suit.

So people are mad as hell, I know I am, but nobody does anything about it. We continue to re-elect the same assholes to power, we don't demand term limits, an end to lobbying/special interest groups, we don't hold our local governments accountable & let them cow tow to the corporations that seem to be pulling the strings. We dismiss science & facts with reckless abandon while accepting lies from corporations that make our food & medicine. We put all of our energy into an online petition to bring back the McRib on an annual basis, yet we won't sign a petition to let someone have the right to die while suffering from a terminal illness. We'll tune in by the millions to watch grown men give each other brain injuries, yet we won't pay enough attention to the news to bring our servicemen & women home from another conflict in the middle east that has NO END...

Our news has become entertainment, while our entertainment has become the news. Instead of the cream of the crop rising to the top, they cash in early on an app that notifies you when a titty has popped out on the red carpet & move to an island somewhere where they can afford to be away from all of this stupidity. Meanwhile, the masses line up out front of Wal-Mart at 4am for the chance to be the one person that can sprint the fastest to the back of the store, without being trampled to death, to claim the only Tickle-Me-Elmo-Platinum Anniversary Edition complete with realistic bowl movements, so they can go home, flip it on EBay, & buy more supplies to make meth....

Is this what our founding fathers are lying in the ground for? I don't think so, we are better than this. We shouldn't be #1 in food eating. We won the cold war, this is our time to shine, not flounder. We need to go to Mars, build flying cars, and further expand our use of rope light! I want Americans to get up & direct that anger at our leaders, not the judges on Dancing with the has-beens, and demand accountability from our elected officials who make 6-figures & only work 1/2 the year! If not, over the next 50 years, Disney is going to have to move Wall-E from the kids section over to the documentary section, and you know how Americans feel about documentaries...