The Force Awakens: Now re-awaken your inner child!

This morning if you thought the internet was running slow or if you were having trouble navigating the World Wide Web in search of flannel thongs with a holiday theme, it was probably due to the fact that Disney released the new movie Trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It didn’t take long for every website known to man to somehow link it to their content in a vein effort to draw in traffic. Within moments comments began springing up, analysis began, and before lunch, more was known about this 88 second teaser trailer than the JFK assassination…And therein lies the problem, Star Wars fans have grown up, become too cynical, and worst of all, turned into adults.

When the Episode IV came out, I was a wee lad, not even 5 years old. My father came home from a trip and said he was going to take me to see something that would forever change my life. It was one of the few times his words rang true and a love affair was born. I had never seen anything like it or heard anything like it, for that matter. The story was captivating, there were more questions than answers, and sadly, I learned what the word fag meant…What? Yep, while playing catch on my dead end street with two high school boys, I was asked if I liked C-3PO & R2-D2. I responded "Yes" and was immediately called a fag. I then had to learn what a fag was, but I could tell right away that it wasn’t a bundle of sticks. This should have been a sign of things to come, but thankfully that kind of cynicism didn’t show up again for another few decades.

Next came Episode V and before the term mind blown was used for every video on the internet, it actually meant something. My mind was blown. From the fact that my mother had to wait in line for hours to get us tickets, to seeing battles take place in the snow, and the revelation that rocked movie houses around the world....the true identity of Luke’s fathee.  Not to mention there was that little nugget of foreshadowing that somehow Leia knew where Luke was and to come back for him.  Again there was no web, barely cable, and as a child, my mind wasn’t yet operating on an adult level based in conspiracy, scientific fact, and hate (that my life hadn’t turned out as planned).

My childhood concluded with Return of the Jedi and this would be the last time I was going to be allowed to see the movies in a pure form....as a child. It was my final year of elementary school and I was soon going to be exposed to Jr. High, which seemed to highlight/reward kids that were assholes. The story concluded itself and I thought it was amazing. All was well with the universe and if anything, I was sad that it was all over. There would be no more. Sure, there were rumors of other stories but from what I knew, this was it. I was happy and there would never be anything that could remotely live up to these three movies.

With the passage of time, the radical advancement of computers, and the World Wide Web taking form, I was exposed to a move about dinosaurs. From the moment I saw them on screen, my first thought was, they could make more Star Wars movies. The technology displayed in Jurassic Park showed that anything was possible, and sadly that would be proven (Independence Day). All I needed to hear was that the Creator was onboard.  Soon after, word was out, there would be another…Star Wars Trilogy…And the speculation began in full force. Why? Because the kids that loved the originals were now adults.  They had years to dream up what could and should happen, and if their version didn’t play out verbatim, then F**k George & everyone else. I chose a different approach. My line was, it’s his world, if he wants to share it with us, fine.  I was willing to accept anything, and be thankful for it. I knew that this new trilogy wasn’t being made for my generation; it was being made for a new generation. I knew there would be some things I didn’t like, but it wasn’t my place to say and I wasn’t going to call any child a fag because he/she thought that Jar-Jar was funny….

So I endured, biting my lip, keeping to myself, and trying to avoid all arguments with my age group that had grown up to be such miserable assholes. Did I like every frame of it? No. Could I have done it better? NO. My only tweaking would have to do with time, cut 10-15 minutes out of Episode 1, 10 minutes out of Episode 2, and add those 20-30 minutes to Episode 3, so it wouldn’t feel so rushed. Other than that, I was just thankful to George for sharing his love, and by this time, something I could share with my daughter.

Now, all 3 of my kids have seen all 6 movies, we generally agree with the fact that Episode 5 is the best of the 6, but many of you veterans of the Original Trilogy would shit your pants to be told by a room full of 7 year olds that Episode 2 is the best. Refreshing it was to hear the children of today throw in our cynical faces why the NT was better than the old, and the fact that they think Jar-Jar is funny, and in kids speak, we were the fags for not liking him!

This brings us to today and the 88 seconds shown around the world. When it was announced that George wouldn’t make any more movies, many of you cheered (shame on you) and in the same breath booed when it was announced Disney would be taking over (shame on you again). Have you become so cynical to think that Disney would ruin this franchise? Think of their resources, the toy line potential, and most of all, the theme park….I’m sure when that was announced, the engineers just said here you go, now pick (because they have been working on rides for over 40 years in their free time).

This franchise is in solid hands and the writers involved know more about Star Wars than you could ever dream of. So to put it simply, STFU! I’ve read one article today about the new trailer, and it will probably be the last. I imagined some fat-balding asshole in a robe, down in his mother’s basement, writing this article and my first thought was, have you ever seen a naked women? His whole article was a criticism about how the new Lightsaber looked in the trailer and how it could be better engineered. Seriously? F**k Off! That’s what you took from the trailer? A teaser trailer at that? Some things in a teaser trailer never make it into the film, but you are going to latch on to this with all your hate? With all due respect sir, go outside, take a deep breath, then find the nearest bus & step in front of it, because you are clearly not going to be satisfied with the remainder of the film….So here’s some tips to consider, for you “adults” that plan on seeing The Force Awakens, otherwise, STAY AT HOME:

      ·         You are 100% certain the movie has to open with Boba Fett crawling out of the Great Pit of Carkoon or the movie is a failure.

·         You think this movie is made for you and not children.

·         You are still mad at Jar-Jar Binks & worry he’ll be in the movie.

·         Can’t comprehend that Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have aged.

·         Have created your own history of what happens after Return of The Jedi.

·         Expect it to be more violent than its predecessors.

·         Can’t turn your cell phone off during the movie.

·         Need to discuss it in the lobby before or after.

·         Comment that there is no sound in space.

·         Have never had sex with a woman (or man).

·         Camp outside the theater instead of working.

·         Dress up for the premiere in full costume & bring a Lightsaber to the theater.

·         Compare it to Star Trek

·         Know the technical readouts, weights, and figures of all the ships and their scale relation to other ships in the scene.

·         Most importantly, know so much about the film beforehand that you ruin it for everyone else, by being yourself.

And therein lies the problem, knowledge. We’ve become a culture obsessed with knowing everything about everyone, except for the things that really matter in the world. Too many of you can tell me who so-n-so is dating, but can’t explain why the climate is changing or how much money a trillion dollars is and how we spent it in Iraq. What made the Original Trilogy so special is we didn’t know. We had to wait, there was no web, there was no social media, and we hadn’t reached the age of perfection that we think we live in now. Those movies came out and for some of us represented hope, adventure, and the thought that we could do anything with our lives, just like Luke or Han. Now, we tear them apart before they hit the theater, and that’s not their problem, it’s ours.

So my advice would be that if you grew up loving Star Wars, incorporated it into your life in some way, and have enjoyed sharing it with your children, you stay innocent. Stay away from the websites, the bloggers, and all the leaks. Enjoy the trailers as they come out, but don’t put all your faith in them, and when December 18^th 2015 rolls around, ignore everyone and everything and take it in for what it is. You don’t have to like it, but make that decision after you see it, not before. Whether you like it or not, keep it to yourself, for at least the weekend and keep your comments to yourself. Don’t be that guy, the one who ruins it for everyone else. Don’t destroy the fantasy, the dreams, and the hopes of future fans and filmmakers because you didn’t get “this” in the first 10 minutes or that ship banked to steep & should have broken apart. Finally, for all that is holy & special about this community of films, don’t you dare ruin it for a child. Just because you are an unhappy, miserable, stuck up, half witted, scruffy looking nerf-herder, doesn’t mean you have the right to do that to a child…Because as you know, your fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering…and you don’t want that on your conscious do you?       

Have a Coke and a smile and Give Thanks...That you are Not Bill Cosby!

As summer gives way to fall there is one thing that is as consistent as gravity, (besides Wal-Mart beginning the start of Christmas season. Ignoring the fact that it may still be warm out, school has just begun, and we haven't even carved the pumpkins yet, but this is Wal-Mart's world and we are just living in it) It's the beginning of the silly season of Holidays that will take us into the following summer. As Americans we will celebrate almost anything, especially if alcohol is available and there is a reason to over eat. We'll put on costumes, sing songs, and even spend an unexplainable amount of time with people we really don't even like, all in the name of the holidays. Which brings us to the official kick off, this Thursday, known here in 'Merica as Thanksgiving. It's not just a day anymore, it begins on Wednesday with travel and concludes on Sunday with more travel. Sprinkled in are events such as shopping, eating, frying, drinking, sports viewing, fighting, f**king, more fighting, puking, leftovers, parades, local news stories of rednecks burning down their houses with a turkey fryer, and a vow to never repeat this horror again (a pre-New Year's resolution). So what are we thankful for? Sadly, a new tradition has emerged and this year, we are thankful that we are not Bill Cosby...

As this week, running up to the big day continues to unfold, 'Merica holds is collective breath as what seems to be a volcanic eruption of women, climbing over each other to appear on television, to claim that Bill Cosby raped them (A horrible crime that should be punished by instant castration, forced eating of the castrated part, then death). Media outlets, while having a collective media boner over the thought of years of programming, trials, speculation, and Lifetime movies, are also worried that an Icon may be heading down the road in which there is no recovery. As of now, there are NO charges filed, he is an innocent man, and if charges are filed, he will have his day in a court of law. However, that isn't important right now, because our unquenchable appetite for celebrity culture overrides logic, compassion, and most importantly the truth.

As 'Merica sends in more troops to Iraq, Obama deals with Immigration, Europeans land a probe on an asteroid, and the state of Missouri braces for a civil rights crisis unmatched in decades, what keeps dominating the news? Celebrity culture & sports. Whether it's bare asses or athletes acting like asses, this is what is fueling Americans on a daily basis. How many motorists were trapped on the highways in Buffalo NY as six feet of snow fell? I bet more than half of them had seen the giant ass of ___ _________, but hadn't bothered to check the weather or turn on the news/radio. By the way, you have more coming, snow that is, not ass....

My question when it comes to Bill Cosby or Tiger Woods (Former Thanksgiving Day Champion) is how many of you know him? Have met him? Spent time with him? I bet the number is very low. As with most public figures, you know of them, but don't know them. So what do you know? He played a character on TV, sold pudding, wore unforgivable sweaters, made some of the damndest faces you'll ever see, pitched Coke, and does clean-stand up comedy...But you don't know him, never have, and never will. Same with all the rest. You know what they let us know through a series of publicists, staged events, and tweets composed by a staff of writers. Rarely do we get to see what's really behind the curtain and we tend to ignore the positive, while we forward the drunken phone calls & nip slips to everyone we know.  Having been up close and personal with famous people, a few things always stand out to me. They are usually shorter in person, very shy, and speak very few words, and rarely look as good in person. They also take shits, eat food, put their own clothing on, and generally don't have a clue what it's like living in the real world, where you currently reside. I'd be willing to make a small wager that the truest celebrity out there is Louis CK, and he even wears make up when doing interviews...

So this Thursday when you undo the button on your adjustable waist khaki's your wife bought you with her Kohl's cash, sit down next to that fat ass racist uncle you secretly hate who smells like cigarettes and Alpo, bow your head while your geriatric deaf Mother-n-Law babbles on about days of yore in which they only had squirrel and turnips to eat, the love the Pilgrims had for the Washington Redskins, and how excited she is for Jesus' birthday in 28 days, as long as cousin Edna doesn't die of a botched bunion removal surgery, say unto thy self, at least I'm not Bill Cosby....Because Bill Cosby is the latest American (who happens to be famous) to be tried in the court of public opinion, without due process, of a charge that if found not guilty or is never charged with, bares a stain that no magic eraser can remove. He will forever be the butt of many jokes, looked upon like the greatest form of scum to walk the earth.  And, if innocent, any benefit that he has offered mankind will be forgotten or tainted. It's a living death sentence with no chance of pardon by the court of public opinion, a reverse Lance Armstrong, if you will. Why does that matter? Why should we care, he's rich anyways, because every day, American's that aren't famous, suffer this fate worse than death and in today's sue now, find the facts out later culture, it could easily be you. In this instant moment of time and history, I'm sure Bill would love to be sitting next to your fat assed racist uncle answering one of life's mysteries, who did put the pudding in the Jell-O pudding pop?  

Dear America, WTF? Seriously?

Since many of our founding fathers didn't believe in God, they aren't looking down on us shaking their heads while throwing their hands up in the air. Instead, they are dead in the ground, and lucky for them. As they rolled out the framework for this experiment in Democracy they had no idea of what was to lie ahead, both in the good (duct tape, rope light, air conditioning) and the bad (the snuggie, jazz music, and After M.A.S.H.). What they did was give us a frame work, safe guards, and guidance as to the future. Jefferson stressed that we should adapt the rules to each generation, and not rest upon the work that they had done alone. As a society, we were to evolve and the cream of the crop was supposed to rise to the top. What happened? We did.

One of the top news stories of the week has been Amanda Bynes sleeping at a shopping mall. Who gives a f**k and who is Amanda Bynes? Does she hold the keys to the launch codes? Is she a descendant of royalty? Is she the only living soul that has the cure to cancer, but has written it down somewhere and can't find it? Or, is she just one of a million people that our culture obsesses over that they don't know, will never know, and wouldn't know what to do if they met them? I can't click on a web page without seeing this nitwit and what she's up to and how her family is reacting. Is this the social issue/cause of the day? Aids is cured? Kids aren't fat anymore? The National Debt is gone?

Where's Ebola? I was promised 10's of thousands of deaths by now and I was counting on that because I figured if you were dumb enough to eat piss and shit off of the ground, then maybe we'd all benefit from your early departure. Instead, as of today, O.J. has a higher kill rate than Ebola. Thanks Media. If this was only the first time you have over sold a story, I'd be pissed, but I knew all along that you were just yanking my mental chain in to thinking that we were going to have a real population killer. Don't forget, we'll lose about 30k this year to the flu alone, but that doesn't have teeth.

Country music, chill-the-f**k-out! Taylor will eventually come back. She made a pop album, she didn't take a dump on the hood of the General Lee & marry a Toyota Truck owner. My god, if pop wants to do country, you guys love it, but if country goes pop, you circle the trailer park & batten down the hatches. This weeks CMA's looked like a desperate cry for attention, like a stripper taking a Masters Course in Physics. People dressed like the cast of Tron, duets with people who had no business being there, singing songs about giant asses instead of Ford Trucks or the fact that your dog just died, again. What happened to staying true to your roots, which were died platinum blond...I want to hear about you kissin your cousin, grandma's moonshine, and that time the squirrel got loose in the church. I don't want to bare witness to bad karaoke, horrible costumes, & awkward smiles.

Then there were the midterm Elections, where America showed how pissed off they were, but at whom? I know Barry took the brunt of it, well deserved, but you kept in Mitch, and he doesn't give a flying f**k about anyone, not even the people of Kentucky or his fellow Muppet's. Pot & Gay marriage are becoming more of the normal, but if you are a woman, let's roll back the clocks to the 50's (and while your at it, bring me a sandwich, honey).  Immigration reform is dead, tax reform is dead, education is dying, the planet is dying, but we've now put a slapdick (Jim Inhofe) in charge of that, who denies climate change exists...Funny, because according to our own military, the #1 threat to the planet is........Climate Change!!! The only solution to anything seems to be cut taxes, build fences, and spread as much fear & hate as possible, so that you can campaign on fear & hate in the next election. I can promise you this, not much is going to change over the next two years & if the R's in charge act like the D's in charge, this will flip again & Hillary will moonwalk into the White House in a navy blue pants suit.

So people are mad as hell, I know I am, but nobody does anything about it. We continue to re-elect the same assholes to power, we don't demand term limits, an end to lobbying/special interest groups, we don't hold our local governments accountable & let them cow tow to the corporations that seem to be pulling the strings. We dismiss science & facts with reckless abandon while accepting lies from corporations that make our food & medicine. We put all of our energy into an online petition to bring back the McRib on an annual basis, yet we won't sign a petition to let someone have the right to die while suffering from a terminal illness. We'll tune in by the millions to watch grown men give each other brain injuries, yet we won't pay enough attention to the news to bring our servicemen & women home from another conflict in the middle east that has NO END...

Our news has become entertainment, while our entertainment has become the news. Instead of the cream of the crop rising to the top, they cash in early on an app that notifies you when a titty has popped out on the red carpet & move to an island somewhere where they can afford to be away from all of this stupidity. Meanwhile, the masses line up out front of Wal-Mart at 4am for the chance to be the one person that can sprint the fastest to the back of the store, without being trampled to death, to claim the only Tickle-Me-Elmo-Platinum Anniversary Edition complete with realistic bowl movements, so they can go home, flip it on EBay, & buy more supplies to make meth....

Is this what our founding fathers are lying in the ground for? I don't think so, we are better than this. We shouldn't be #1 in food eating. We won the cold war, this is our time to shine, not flounder. We need to go to Mars, build flying cars, and further expand our use of rope light! I want Americans to get up & direct that anger at our leaders, not the judges on Dancing with the has-beens, and demand accountability from our elected officials who make 6-figures & only work 1/2 the year! If not, over the next 50 years, Disney is going to have to move Wall-E from the kids section over to the documentary section, and you know how Americans feel about documentaries...